The Case of Jack
(afraid that he is empty inside)
Most of my life I have felt pushed and pulled. My father pushed me into school, sports and so forth, and over the years my resentment grew for him, as he was always directing and controlling my life and beating me when I challenged his authority. My mother always gave me a warm, unconditional love and tried to pull me under her protective wing, something I have always resisted.
My parents divorced when I was 16, and without parental control, I began a life of permissiveness in my relationships with women and in my use of psychedelic drugs and marijuana.
On graduating from college, I rejected my fathers wishes to purse a career and returned to school to seek another degree. In some ways, its just a place to be that I like. Most of my life revolves around living for today, a hedonistic style that has no concreteness of goals and aspirations, with a lack of definition of what a man should be.
I float in and out of peoples lives. They see an image of me as a despoiler of women, a drug freak, and a cold bastard. My fear is that I am nothing more than that image, that I am empty inside. I want to be able to open up and let people see the warmer, more sensitive sides of me, but I have terrible difficulty doing that. I have a strong need to become close and intimate with others, yet I never let myself become vulnerable because I fear being dependent on them and trapped by their love.