Undercurrent - Advice for Freshmen

An Alternative Student Publication of the University of Oklahoma

Advice for Freshmen by Amanda Reckonwithe
So I said to my boyfriend Joey, “Joey,” I said, “I think my first column this semester should be full of wisdom for freshmen. Which subject do you think is more important, developing good study habits or finding your way around campus?” “If you want a subject important to freshmen,” Joey said, looking up from his book of Sufi stories, “talk to them about finding their way around the drugstore shelves and studying the various types of condoms available. Nothing spoils a freshman year like an unexpected pregnancy or a dose of herpes. Personally, I recommend Trojan-enz – easy to open, just enough lube to slip on quickly, and the reservoir tip maintains sensitivity after ejaculation. That’s something you only learn through experience - which, I think, qualifies it as wisdom.” “Uh, thanks Joey,” I said, “you’ve been very helpful.” I let him go back to his reading. He was right, of course. OU has entire departments to instruct freshman in the mundane matters of college, but none to teach them how best to channel their enormous post-adolescent sexual energies. Soberly, I realized the task was up to me. But, realistically, what kind of advice could I give? Today’s freshmen have been exposed to sex all their lives. Internet porn has taught them all the basic positions the human body can get into, and the stores are full of magazines with all sorts of sex tips and surveys. This may be the most sexually aware generation of freshmen ever. I could warn them about the tragic things, like Masters and Johnson’s finding that the average time it takes a woman to achieve orgasm is about 3.9 minutes, while the average man goes off in 2.4; or that a man's physiological sexual capabilities peak in his late ‘teens, while a woman blooms in her early thirties; or that young women are too worried that they’ll be thought of as sluts, so they don’t get enough sexual variety to wisely choose a mate; or that young men are crude, clumsy, and eat pussy as if it were corn on the cob. But it all seemed too depressing, so I went back to Joey. “Joey,” I said, “I’m stuck. Sex is such a complex subject, and what can I tell these young people that they can’t learn from Cosmo or Playboy?” Joey looked thoughtful for a moment, rubbing his hand delightfully on the back of my thigh. “I understand,” he said. “It’s probably best to keep it simple. There are some things that never change. Explain to them that good sex depends on skills that can only be learned through experience. They should have a lot of sex. They should choose their partners carefully, but don’t be afraid to have a goodly variety. There’s a lot to choose from on this campus. For their freshman year especially, they should think of themselves as polyamorous.” I was taking notes as he spoke. “You might tell the women”, he continued, “about your ‘clitoral capture’ technique. They should find a partner who can stay erect long enough for them to practice brushing their clit against his pelvic bone. You’ve always said that’s the best way to reach orgasm during standard sex.” “That’s true,” I said, “but finding a man like that isn’t easy. Most women learn to hold absolutely still, because with the slightest movement on their part the man thinks she’s coming and he explodes in the next second.” “Oh, please,” Joey said, looking pained, “don’t remind me of my youth. I was a terrible lover when I was young. I hate to think of the women whose sex lives I ruined with my clumsiness.” “I don’t believe that for a second,” I said. “You’re much too chivalrous to have ruined anyone. Have you got anything to tell the men?” “To keep their fingernails short, clean, and filed smooth. Nothing spoils mutual masturbation like a rough nail. To carry at least two clean cotton handkerchiefs - one to wipe their nose with and one to dab the semen from their lover’s coynte (or dress, or shirt, or breasts, or chin, or whatever). It’s always bad form to leave peckertracks on the sheets. To refrain from the ‘wam-bam-thank-you-m’am notion of sex, unless, as sometimes happens, the woman explicitly states that she’s in the mood to be pounded like a cheap steak. To understand that women are physiologically capable of rolling from climax to climax for hours, but that every woman has a slightly different set of psychological needs to set this physiology in motion, and that most of the time it takes a lot more than just stickin’ it in. That a man who learns the secrets of this ‘indescribable pleasure indefinitely prolonged’ will be rewarded a thousand times over.” “Only a thousand times?” I smiled. He grinned and gave my butt a squeeze. “A million… no, a billion times over you deliciously lascivious tart.” “But I’m not quite through,” he continued, “ I think you should add that great sex, for both genders, is a result, not a cause, of self esteem. You have to have it to have great sex, but self esteem can only be gained through some sort of productive achievement. Trying to use sex itself to gain self esteem is a common mistake that has led to much unhappiness.” Joey speaks great words of wisdom. Men, he is an amazingly sensitive, sensual, and passionate lover so heed his words! However empathetic Joey may be, though, he can’t fully realize the realities of sex for college females. After speaking with him, I thought of a few more things to say to college women. First, as Joey points out, college is a time for exploration. You will be exposed to new ideas, people, and experiences. Don’t be afraid of these things, and that goes for sexual explorations as well. Young people spend a lot of time thinking about sex, but probably don’t spend enough time thinking about what they want when it comes to sex. Women, think about what you want to experience sexually! And don’t be afraid of what you might want. If you want to have sex with numerous and varied partners, or if you just want monogamy or celibacy, go for it and don’t waste time thinking about what other people (your parents, your friends, your minister, et. al) think is right for you – with practice and insight, you can become the best judge of that. Second, a great way to learn about what you like sexually is to masturbate. Just like with any kind of sex, it can be easy to get stuck in a masturbation rut – same way, same time, etc. Mosey on down to Christy’s Toy Box, or check out www.goodvibes.com for an excellent selection of vibrating items to help you with your self pleasure. When Joey isn’t around or when I’m in the mood for my own super lovin’, I grab the lube, get my twisty rotating bunny, and go for it. View your self as your own best lover, and believe me girls, it will reflect when you are getting’ naked with the boys. Also, and this goes back to you being your only judge and jury, if you see some hot honey in Econ class or flexing his pecs in the huff-n-puff, don’t be afraid to walk up, give him a sly smile, and pass him your number. This is, if this is what you WANT to do, but again, you should spend some time contemplating that. Perhaps, like me, you just want to manipulate the hot honey later on in your self-lovin’ fantasies. And if you do rub sweaty bellies with said hottie, and it doesn’t turn out to be the thrill you envisioned, don’t feel compelled to do it again or even go on a date with the guy. It is okay to just move on. Ladies, if you aren’t getting what you want from your fella sexually, don’t be afraid to let him know, gently but assuredly, what you might like him to do, or what you would like to do. Too much mind reading goes on with sex, and in my experience most men will appreciate any help you can give them. (If he doesn’t maybe you should dump him…) The fellas seem especially lost when it comes to giving women oral pleasure, so don’t be shy about demonstrating what you want in the licking department by demonstrating with one of his fingers. By the same token, it never hurts to ask a man if there is anything in particular he would like you to do. Also, lots of guys think the sex is over after he shoots his load, but that does not have to be the case. Feel free to lube up your clitoris, then proceed to rub yourself into sexual oblivion on your guy’s thighs or belly until you’ve had all the orgasms you want to have. An erect penis is nice, but not a necessity for female orgasm. So all you young female Sooners out there, don’t be afraid to take control of your sex!! Literally! On that note, I have one final thought. Say you find yourself in a situation where the male in question does not respond to loud and forceful “No” or “Stop” (I’ve found that “Stop!” is the better word, since “no” is sometimes ambiguous) repeated by you a few times. If this happens, and he proceeds as if your protests mean nothing, aim for his balls and punch, scratch, pinch, twist, as hard as you can. He’ll get the message. Good luck, do your homework, and I’ll be glad to answer any questions you may have.


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